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Saturday, October 02, 2010

A roaring woman - coming clean...

Ok so as I near fifty - maybe the time has arrived to come clean.  I always thought I said it like it was - but there were some things I just did not dare talk about - for fear of unleashing the tiger - or shall I say lioness within.

Until yesterday - I always believed in the kinder gentler way.  In fact in a recent conversation with my husband I remarked that perhaps he did not know me well - and that I believed in moving forward in life that I had an attitude of 'no harm to anyone' - and that love was the motivating factor for all that I did. Deep inside however is also the fierce protector - the advocate for those who dare not speak.

Interestingly enough - these values and beliefs were outwardly expressed for others - but never inwardly expressed on my own behalf.  I have spent many years in relationships peppered with abuse of all kinds.  Outwardly fighting for the rights and safety of other - inwardly - denying my own situations and needs.

How very sad.  The woman who needed to be loved and protected the most - curled up in a fetal and protective position - praying for a hero.  So yesterday - on behalf of that woman - the kinder gentler way got tossed out the window.   The time has come to speak up on behalf of women all over the world - who fight for others and neglect their own needs.

It all started with a conversation of personal responsibility with someone I love dearly.  I was accused of "chasing money" - running after the almighty dollar.  In this conversation I was indicating I was going to apply for a prestigious position with a large paycheck.  I was dreaming - and thinking of what life might be like - the benefits of the position - and also the love for the duties the position provided.

I was astounded by the accusation.  I immediately went inside myself to test out if the accusation rang true.  Immediately my higher self reminded me of all I had contributed to the world - without regard to pay or personal consequences.  I knew that my motivation in the world was not to only 'make money'.  I knew however I have financial responsibilities that require me to step up to the plate and make some changes.

Upset by the conversation I called his mother - just for some wisdom from another strong woman.  Her words cut me to the core.  "Maybe it's time you just found your real place in the world and stop trying so hard.  Just be normal like the rest of us.  Maybe it's time to live more within your means - you are thinking too big for your britches young lady.  You are just too smart and ambitious - it's time to just let those silly ambitions go and get a regular job - stop chasing the brass ring so to speak".

OMG.  Between the tears and disbelief I could feel a fire rising inside.  I wonder if anyone ever uttered words like that to Martin Luther King who had  'a dream'. What would happen if every one who had a dream in this world was told "oh just sit down and shut up -  will you?". 

So I called my mother.  

Despite our disagreements and misunderstandings over the years - she has given me many, many gifts.  And yesterday - she gave me the greatest gift of all.  

I do not remember the words she spoke - but I did note the fire in my chest that began to burn brightly.  She told me through a series of stories about my strength.  She reminded me of all the women that have gone before me - who sacrificed so that I could speak out.  And for me - at this time in my life - the 'kinder gentler way' went right out the freakin window.  My idea of a kinder gentler way to do things had brought me to a point where I was now a 'kinder gentler doormat', almost willing to accept the advice of a woman trying to put me in my place.  (too big for your britches young lady)

Then I talked to my dear friend and fabulous counselor Heidi Cowie.  She reminded me that the advice I had been given to 'slow down and not think so big' was not advice for special girls like us.  Yes Heidi - we are special women. We are amazing - and I thank God for the community of Roaring Women who like my mother and the other women in my family understand.

I do have dreams. I do have something I want to give the world.  And I do deserve to have a partner who will support me in that - or I will do it alone.  I deserve to be paid well and acknowledged for my contributions - if not for me - for all the women who have gone before and fought the fight for equality and appreciation.

Am I angry - yes.  But it is a righteous and positive anger, by George.  And God help the man (or misguided woman) who will stand in my way to get the job done. 

What is the job?  To help women understand their value, worth and potential. To raise them to their rightful place in the universe.  To support them in following their dreams - wherever it takes them. To honour the community of women that has gone before. To let every woman know that not only has she a right to her dreams - she has the right to live without fear of violence - or death - that no one has the right to abuse her verbally or degrade her or cut down her ideas and dreams.

My job is to help her steer in the right direction and channel all that wonderful courage and ambition in the direction she really wants to go.

And I am starting right here - in my own back yard.  Care to join me?

Mandie Crawford
Calgary Business Woman of the Year 2010

8 comments:

Anonymous said...

Yes, Mandie, I'll join you but I finally realized the same thing in my life and at age 55 made a giant change come hell or high water. Fifteen years later I'm so thankful I finally had the guts to ESCAPE and with police protection in TN was able to live with my son and his wife and help raise my little grandchildren for a couple years. I thank God I got away cause I was basically not allowed to see my family.

Yeah, I was scared and thought I was too old to make it on my own but 15 years later,,,,,,the freedom, being able to see and call my family whenever I want is such a richer life than $$$'s can bring,,,although it is nice to be able to eat.

Before turning this into an epistle I'll just say, check your genes, you're a survivor, don't take any more sh,,,and certainly DO NOT listen to a Mother In Law for God's sake.

Last statement: I don't think I could've escaped without the love and assurance of my best friend and very special lady whose middle name is Elaine.

Anonymous said...

Thank you Mandie for this Blog. Your strength and honesty inspire me forward and I am proud to call you my friend. Your heart knows what is right....keep going!!!! Sincerely Jackie Lysak

Val Lewis said...

Mandie, there is a point, if we are lucky enough to live through all the crap that we realize we have done all we can in a relationship and that it is time to move on. Some people feel this is a failure but I see it as an awakening. You only fail if you give up. Moving forward from a bad situation is not a failure it is the only way to make things better and make you stronger. You can’t be good for anyone else if you can’t be good for yourself.
I say this as a friend who has been where you are and I know with out a doubt that you will come through this stronger and better able to live the live you were meant to live.
To you, my friend, know you are not alone.
Val

Anonymous said...

Mandie,
It is so interesting about our lives in the fact that our passions seem to come directly from our pain; our fuel, our juice that feeds us can either take us down or fill us up. You are now deciding to fill up your tank with the love of contribution and let go of the anger and resentment. Way to go girl! We are all on this journey together to keep evolving to the next level of grace and inspiration. Roaring Women is a place that all of us can come and "BE" where ever we are on the adventure - broken and whole. Thank God!

Deb said...

My dear friend Mandie, I am glad to hear that you are stepping out in your power and being the guiding light by example of what your higher calling is blessing you with! It sounds like you have had another opportunity to experience your "gift". You do have the right to live your life abundantly - including financial wealth! Good for you my friend! Your are living your "Purpose"! Please let me know if I can support you in any way. All the best to you! ~Deb http://debfarrellpurposecoach.com/

Olga Cordeiro said...

Mandie: I read your blog about coming clean and it resonated deep within me. Many times the same advice was dispensed to me by well-intentioned and well-meaning individuals. They do not share the same fire, the same drive, and the same ambitions. Although they do not want us to fail, they secretly wish that they had the guts to think big. So keep on thinking big and allow the lionness that is deep within you to roar!

Anonymous said...

This is the roaring that needs to be heard loud and clear across the globe! Double fist pumping up in the air "GO MANDIE!!"

It is disgusting that envy and jealousy can be so hurtful. Yes, that's what I believe to be the real reasons behind the feedback and responses you received, sadly from people you have in your core circle : ( It is one thing to say "honey, I don't know what is best for you, what does your heart and gut say?" to "You're not normal, and you're chasing the mighty dollar"...well damn it - so what??? As if you want to be "normal", leaders and visionaries aren't NORMAL! Plus, though the mighty dollar is a "shunned" concept - how does one pay the bills? Or travel to experience the world? Or contribute to the ever expanding and endless charities forever in need of the "mighty dollar". Geesh!

I agree with the endless women who have responded to you already...from pain and challenge have the greatest leaders been born! You can and you will overcome, you can and you will achieve greater dreams than you have yet dreamed!

Be kind to yourself, and stand strong for you have many supporters ready to stand alongside you. :D

Mary Francis said...

I love your message and follow it in my own life. My husband died when I was fifty and my life was forever changed. I could have gone down quietly into a "normal" life but I choose to roar like a lion. Women are amazing and we should never under estimate ourselves. Encouragement from other widows is what helped me to grow strong and so a big thank you to women who support each other.
Mary Francis

www.thesisterhoodofwidows.com